I need strong OTHER flavors. I have always maintained that the smell of alcohol makes me ill, now I can say, yeah, a strong taste of it really does make me want to retch. Still, too many drinks do not work with just soda water. They are just bland and limp without the right ingredient. If I can make the proportions right, I might find several great things.

So, got some cocktail books at the library, and have mixed a few of my own recently. (not putting measures on here because honestly, I always lower the alcohol and up the fruit or sugar)

Bacardi cocktail: bacardi, grenadine, lime, powdered sugar or simple syrup
I thought this would be better. But it wasn’t.

Vodka stinger: vodka and creme de menthe
I can definitely see why this is a stomach settler. Pretty much like pure spearmint.

Brandy Alexander: brandy, creme de cacao, heavy cream
Was told chocolate lovers love it, it’s not too alcoholy… Nope. Man, brandy can overpower anything, in my opinion. Yeesh. I ended up having to drink some, remix it with MORE heavy cream and cacao, then put some chocolate syrup and nutmeg in there to drown it out more…then I still didn’t like it much. Looks like I’m not a brandy fan. Boo. But I will probably continue making heavy cream and creme de cacao mixtures LOL

Cuba libre: white rum, lime, coke
YES.

T-punch: white rum, lime, brown sugar, soda water.
Pretty OK. Would smash the brown sugar BEFORE the lime next time.

Kiwi Martini: vodka, simple syrup, fresh kiwi
Yeah, I don’t like tons of alcohol, so I splash the syrup and cut the vodka by half an ounce. And it’s very nice after that.

What do you think? I have many others to try and I find this very fun.

BUT, all that aside. I don’t think I LIKE gardening. Maybe I would if I had the whole day at home and that became a scheduled part of what I did: water, pull weeds, turn soil, pick at bugs, mulch, study sunlight, soil, and water needs…I would want to go all out, do it really well and really right. But I don’t like it enough to prioritize it into the little amount of time I have. The thought of learning about and planning for growing seasons feels overwhelming (much less the 10zillion other things I’d want to learn), not easy at all when viewed with the lifetime of other things I’d rather be learning or doing, or that require my attention.

I have so much respect for you garden growers. Truly. I don’t know how you fit your hobbies into your daily life at all. I am completely lost and cluttered and overwhelmed and barely one-thirding everything I am involved in.

I guess what I mean is, despite my desire to be all the things that gardening represents to me…the answer is just No right now. I’m not happy with that answer, but I have to face who I am right now as well. This isn’t what I want to learn right now. This isn’t what I want to prioritize.

I wrote this hoping it would help let go of the guilt about it…it hasn’t.

“Prime numbers are divisible only by 1 and by themselves….among prime numbers, there are some that are even more special. Mathematicians call them twin primes: pairs of prime numbers that are close to each other…but between them…is always an even number that prevents them from truly touching…If you have the patience to go on counting, you discover that these pairs gradually become rarer. You encounter increasingly isolated primes, lost in that silent, measured space made only of ciphers, and you develop a distressing presentiment that the pairs encountered up until that point were accidental, that solitude is the true destiny. Then, just when you’re about to surrender…you come across another pair of twins, clutching each other tightly.”

Read it today because I felt like reading someone’s deliberate illustration of exactly what I feel. I’m not here to review it, but I thought it was lovely (though obviously translated). I am making a repository for some of the things I liked. I realize quoting things out of context is unwise, but *I* will remember the context and hopefully will feel the same connection to some of these quotes later.

Quotes:
“She knew that all the violence is contained in the precision of a detail.”

“How she longed for the uninhibitedness of kids her age, their vacuous sense of immortality. She yearned for all the lightness of her 15 years…”

“They weren’t smiling and were looking in opposite directions, but it was as if their bodies flowed smoothly into each other’s, through their arms and fingers.”

“The he realized it was the most natural thing in the world, which was precisely why he was incapable of it.”

“Every one of them had a love that had rotted alone in their heart, as his love for Mattia had done.”

“He had learned to respect the chasm that Mattia had dug around himself. Years previously he had tried to jump that chasm and had fallen into it. Now he contented himself with sitting on the edge, his legs dangling into the void.”

“That evening she had crossed the invisible boundary beyond which things start working by themselves.”

“…what she could find here was more like love than anything else she would ever have.”

“She smiled as she opened the back of the camera, took out the film, and unrolled it completely under the white light of the sun.”

“She had grown attached to it with the obstinacy with which people become attached only to things that hurt them.”

“Time was being consumed in a great hurry. It wasn’t just the time of that particular evening, it was the time of the possibilities of her many 35 years.”

“Mattia thought that if the ratio between the intervals of their breath was an irrational number, there was no way of combining them to find a regularity.”

“The love of those we don’t love in return settles on the surface and from there quickly evaporates.”

“A pleasant apprehension gripped her bones and made her smile, as if at that very moment time had begun again.”

“It happened every day, people…clutched at coincidences…and made a life from them.”

I liked several metaphors: the letter of acceptance sitting on the bed next to Mattia where Alice chose not to sit. The description of the motion of the planets and stars that creates a sunrise or sunset. “…nothing but a trajectory, which could not be anything other than what it was.” The surface tension of the water breaking above the rim of the glass when Alice and Mattias meet. Silly things like that were obvious, I guess, but lovely.

I love a reviewer on amazon stating there’s nothing you can do about being a prime number. Sometimes you get to be a twin, but don’t count on it. Word.

Well, I don’t know what I was thinking having both a happiness attempt AND reading more about food.

I feel so trapped underneath the weight of the way we do food in this country, this world. The fact that (until I have a lot of money) I cannot safely eat much of anything that isn’t influenced by factory farming (including many vegetables), unbelievable ethics practices, and well, corn and oil, is completely overwhelming. I can’t have a clue where my food comes from, most of it is total trash, completely stripped of its value to my body, which is why I have to take fiber pills a zillion times a day, and the rest of it is produced with sadistic slave labor. This is the case at KFC and nice restaurants alike. It is impossible to eat meat that is not factory farmed and didn’t live and die in horrible ways.

I already felt trapped enough in my life situation before reminding myself of these things, but I had to do it anyway. So now what? I never stopped being a vegetarian, so really spending the last couple of days crying about the billions of tortured animals just TODAY who are suffering the unspeakable to become dollar burgers and egg and bacon sandwiches only serves to remind me of horrors I can do absolutely nothing to change. I’m glad I reminded myself, but what good is any of it if I am unable to influence anyone to eat deliberately, be aware, and know that your choice is: absolute unspeakable cruelty in numbers that are nearly uncountable plus ecological destruction vs. my tongue likes it.

(I say this as a person who still eats cheese, and eggs maybe once a week. I know the packaging claiming cage free, vegetarian fed, blahblahblah is probably crap. I do pay a hell of a lot more for them, so I stupidly hope that means they are actually slightly better. But I definitely need to find a local provider for this.)

So much has been written about this subject that there is nothing new I could ever imagine adding. The problem is actually that I want to outline some of what has been said, but there are so many reasons for NOT eating meat, not eating meat under the current model of production in particular, that I have no idea where to begin.

Oh well, I’m going to ineffectually state some things anyway.

“We justify killing for the taste, but imagine if we tried to justify it for the sound, sight, or smell…”

It’s not just the animal welfare, although I think that should be beyond plenty reason enough.

• Human rights violations for the workers.
• Could feed the world with all the space, grain, water we take up giving to much less efficient meat-production (nearly 1/3 of the land surface is dedicated to livestock)
• Environmental destruction through air, water, and land pollution (it’s impossible to fathom the destruction we cause…I just, the more I read and see, I can’t believe this is possible.)
• Insane amounts of hormones and antibiotics given to these animals to keep them alive and fat long enough to kill them are affecting us and creating more powerful strains of virus that cause pandemics.
• Genetic engineering is doing the same, and these places purposefully create animals that cannot walk, reproduce, or even survive outside.
• Factory farming has almost entirely eliminated traditional farming, wiping out the little guy and the ability for consumers to choose. There’s no such thing as local anymore.
• Entire species are being wiped out due to overkill during fishing, including fishing for shrimp. We’re talking 90% of what’s pulled out of the water is NOT what was being fished for, but it all dies too and is tossed back in dying. You may think shrimp are not sentient and therefore ok to eat, but what about the 90% of everything else that depressurized, got sliced open, suffocated or drowned in the process?
• We are lied to by our government as to what is healthy and what is not.
• Top 3 killers of humans: heart disease, cancer, and strokes, are all connected to meat
• Breeds desensitivity to life in general, including other humans.
• The insane amounts of oil and gas used throughout the entire process.

Quotes I have liked recently:

• “Eating industrial meat takes an almost heroic act of not knowing, or, now, forgetting.”
• “Factory farming is not wrong because it produces meat, but because it robs every animal of every shred of happiness.”
• “I simply cannot feel whole when so knowingly, so deliberately, forgetting.”
• “People care about animals. I believe that. They just don’t want to know or pay.”
• “How much suffering will you tolerate for your food?”

And I haven’t even touched thinking about the HFCS issue. I mean, really! In my favorite bread! I can accept the responsibility for drinking so much Dr. Pepper, but in my attempts to have healthier BREAD I can’t even succeed.

And vegetables…oy. Trapped. I feel panicky and surrounded all the time. Knowledge and happiness are very difficult to reconcile.

ETA:

Another quote:

“To those for whom it sounds like a hard decision, the ultimate question is whether it is worth the inconvenience. We KNOW, at least, that this decision will help prevent deforestation, curb global warming, reduce pollution, save oil reserves, lessen the burden on rural america, decrease human rights abuses, improve public health, and help eliminate the most systematic animal abuse in world history.”

And in Food, Inc. the Walmart reps discussing their choice to go with more organics are very honest: It’s about money and the consumer has said they want to pay for this. We as consumers really do tell the companies what to do. But not with protests, with money.

I am doing a decent job of my happiness project, but it results in a disorganized scattering of waaaay too many notebooks and scraps of paper and Post-It notes. The problem is, even though I carry a zillion things with me everywhere I go because I am a bag lady, I never have the right notebook or folder with me at the time I need it. I think of an idea for the newsletter when I’m at the front desk. I hear a new word or song lyrics I want to look up when I’m driving. I think of the right wording for something when I only have my Lost notebook with me. The next time a bear rips off my arm, I’m getting a fake arm with a compartment that can hold ONE notebook and small pen.

I think I have a ridiculous solution that won’t work for anyone else but sounds crazy fun to me if I could manage it.

I need to make a list of everything in my life I’m wanting to keep lists of right now. So far, I have:
Daily delightful things
Positive R things
Food journal
Songs for R and other friends (I never make CDs because I can never find the random jottings of songs I wanted to use)
Books, music, movies I hear about that I want to look into more, or that I’d like to recommend on here maybe (this one is pretty broad; I haven’t figured out the natural focus of it yet)
Stuff I want to follow up on or learn about (words I heard but don’t know, my desire to learn ballet)
Stuff I want to expound on later for a blog posting or tweet, or to meditate on (quotes)

Currently, I keep notes on all these things, but they are scattered among many notebooks, making it impossible for me to track them or USE them. The delightful things often end up in the online delight blog, but usually not for several days after I wrote them down, which misses the point of experiencing those positive things as they occur.

The second step (after focusing that list of lists *squee!*) is to buy nearly identical notebooks but of different colors (Nice notebooks that I will WANT to write in, little hardback journals with colorful spines, probably.), one for each subject. Those are to be filed somewhere appropriate in the house.

The third step is to carry a purse-sized notebook everywhere I go. Only the one. This will require much mindfulness to not leave it sitting at home or at work or leave my bag anywhere. Maybe I could get a thigh strap to hold a notebook and pen and only wear skirts and scuba gear everywhere so I could access it easily. I want to keep THIS book basically unstructured with the exception of writing the date when I start the day.

The fourth step is the ritual. Choose a time every evening to sit down with the notebooks and transcribe into them from the general ledger notebook. (OMG, this is giving me chills of delight from when I was in accounting.) It feels like there is little point to writing all this crap down, taking all the notes I take, if I am not going to meditate on them ever again.

And the last thing is to remember I don’t have to write EVERYTHING down. If I have to let go of some things while I’m driving, well, there will be something else soon enough in the day if I am mindful. When I was in junior high and high school I had what was probably a minor form of hypergraphia where I literally had to write every little thought or word or sight down. It truly hurt to think of the eternal oblivion into which thoughts disappeared if they were not transcribed. I realized the problem and stopped writing anything down. Yes, one extreme to another. I will find that balance or I will not. In any case, it’s silly to deny my nature. I want to record things and read them later. It brings me joy. But to be healthy, I need to learn to let some of it go.

I have also found that I feel less stress with this stuff if I don’t FORCE myself to follow rules that don’t really have purpose. When doing the 365 project, much mediocrity was created by the simple fact that I didn’t have time to design a fantastic photo every single day. In addition, I added crazy amounts of unnecessary stress by staying up so freakin late to obtain perfection or by being wholly disappointed in the crap I finally had to post just to follow the rules. I gained SIGNIFICANT benefits from that project, and don’t regret a single moment of it, but it did teach me that it’s pretty unrealistic (for me, anyway) to think I will be able to truly obtain the “letting go” aspect of happiness that I’m going for if I subscribe to strict, unbendable rules. At the same time, to be me, I have definitely got to have some self-imposed structure or I just won’t do it. I really am about discipline. And about adding steps where there need be none. I love that.

I feel like what I’ve done so far has been worthwhile. Keeping the lists at all, even if disorganized, is giving in to doing what I love, and is not hurting anyone. I think if I can structure it according to the ways that feel natural for me, I could really gain a lot from trying it.

I also thought, in addition to, or even instead…keep the one notebook but then just transcribe it here, exactly as it was written, just because it’s interesting to see what was interesting that day all together. But then there’s that pressure to perform, so I probably won’t do that unless it’s a pretty cool eclectic list. We shall see on that one…

One of the most revelatory things I have learned (and really do believe) is that each person has a happiness threshold that they were basically born with. Knowing this frees me to do what I can with what I was given rather than consistently falling short of an unreachable goal. But knowing this is also disappointing. Turns out I can only be as happy as *I* can be. In fact, sometimes I suspect this “fact” is like how they’ve changed pants sizes to make Americans feel better.

I get similar mixed feelings about how brains are wired. When I first really started understanding physical brain anatomy as SUCH a limitation in truly happy relationships with other human beings, I was first delighted. Wow, assigning an inability to be thoughtful or considerate or conversational, etc. to science made accepting it so much easier. But over time, it’s gotten more depressing constantly having to chalk so much up to differences in brain construction. I try to be aware of what I should expect out of people, but having to lower my hopes and expectations more and more to accommodate the lack of thought on the part of others is really becoming a drag. It feels completely the opposite of pursuing happiness.

Along those lines, I know that the only thing I can control in the whole world is my own behavior. Act how you want to feel. This makes sense and brings peace on occasion. But then it just feels as depressing as the brain thing. No matter how much I love someone or they love me, I still can never expect them to treat me with the consideration and understanding that I want (yes, yes, nor can they expect me to do likewise, surely). They likely won’t even have one iota of understanding for why their behavior makes me feel insulted, hurt, let down, or rejected. I can talk all I want but if they don’t think so, then what’s to change? Only me. It always always always comes down to me. And I get really worn down being one of the few people working on it.

I don’t want to be a “live together or die alone” person in an “every man for himself” world. But wish in one hand…

My point is this: A lot of things about pursuing happiness require acceptance of really shitty things. Pursuing happiness isn’t always a happy pursuit.

I’m glad a few of my friends are on this trip with me, though. Happiness is a struggle we are sharing *hug* Now back to project delight to log my delightful things for the day…

I like that the story of MIB shows us exactly what I hoped, that he’s not a “BAD” guy. I was super relieved with the description of “antagonist” because I feel that much more illustrates what he is. He was always an analytical, manipulative person who pursued truth and enlightenment and escape. He never raised a hand to Jacob. Jacob was a whiny mama’s boy prone to bursts of tattling and violence when faced with the truth. I get why whitey is the “good” guy, but it’s so silly to say it. There really is no black and white. These guys are gray. Are you really the “good” guy when you are forced to take a job of ambiguous necessity and are allowed to make whatever rules you want, and in the process you disobey your mother and kill your brother? I’m not saying blackie’s the good guy either. I just don’t like good and bad to describe them.

If we assume mom’s right, someone needs to protect the light (?), then J’s the clear “protagonist.” But as I learned on that paper I only got a C+ on, there are vast differences between the hero, the protagonist, the “good guy,” etc. Actually, he isn’t even that. OUR guys are the protagonists. Which makes MIB the antagonist, the rival, the opponent. Not necessarily the bad guy. WIDMORE on the other hand, may be the real bad guy. The one who wants the LIGHT for himself is the guy I’d label the bad guy.

Namelessness: I am of two opinions here, or maybe just one with a caveat. It doesn’t bother me that MIB has no name yet. I feel like the writers have been clear that all names are important. Names categorize you on a shallow AND deep level. As soon as they name MIB, he becomes a solid thing we have a solid opinion about. What he is is written in stone. They need him to be as fluid as smoke. But I do understand that BECAUSE this show has always been about the importance of names, it can feel frustrating to have two such important characters as mom and MIB nameless. It makes them “legends and myths” but not PEOPLE. And we are used to seeing fully realized characters on this show. That aside, personally, I am totally fine if he never has a name.

“Protecting” the Light: It seems counterintuitive to be allowed to kill mothers and steal babies for the purpose of “protecting” the source of life. Now, at the same time, just because it’s all yellow glowy doesn’t mean it’s a “good” force. The source of life, death, and rebirth is not necessarily good or bad, it just is. WE assign feelings about it. To some, death is a mercy and is good (mom, for instance, who set her two children up hoping one would eventually kill her, I think). And it clearly would corrupt those who had access to it. It’s way too simplistic to say it is good or bad. Does it need protecting though? I don’t know how she got in charge of protecting it, how many were before her, and how did they start. Who was the first person to decide it needed protecting and how did they have the power to do so?

Clearly Jacob was made immortal-ish by becoming the guardian, just as mom was. So there are SOME actual powers involved, which implies protection is needed. Was the drink part of that? She said he was now like her after he drank it. Was mom lying about them not being able to hurt each other (Jacob did beat the crap out of MIB) or kill each other (technically Jacob did kill his brother)? Did mom kill MIB first but he pulled a Sayid? And did that influence why he became the smoke monster instead of some other detached soul thingie? I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to yet feel about whether the Light needs protecting with so much lying going on. I think in a practical sense, someone who won’t be corrupted by it should guard it. Did mom go in and experienced the “fate worse than death” and become a Smoke Monster herself (although it doesn’t explain why she had a body after she was killed, although we don’t know what happens to a set-in-stone smokey…maybe MIB would now die and there would be TWO Locke bodies on the Island). But it would explain how Mom accomplished a whole lot of destruction and filling in the well. It could also answer why she was so thrilled to get two guardians, one to relieve her of her duties and one to LITERALLY relieve her and become the opposing force. If she was both, she would understand the need for two to carry the burden, rather than one. IDK, she didn’t necessarily say anything like that, so I’ll shut up.

The sunken Island in the Flash Sideways: Does this indicate someone stole/killed the Light in this world and the Island sunk? With the “cork” metaphor, we can’t help but think maybe it’s holding the Light in and it wants to escape? Again, the Light is not necessarily good or bad, even though we automatically want to associate it with good. It DID produce the smoke monster, so…I mean, what’s smokey going to do when he escapes? Is he really more dangerous than this Light, whatever millions of things it could represent? I feel like the Light would be far more dangerous in the world than a guy who just wants to “go home” for the past 2000 years. Although, maybe as the smoke monster, he has no choice? And does it matter if the Light is ACTIVELY trying to escape or not?

The rules: MIB kid tells Jacob someday he can have a game HE makes the rules to. Then Jacob as a kid tells grown up MIB “tsk tsk, you know the rules. you can’t kill them.” MIB may have been the original game-player, but Jacob makes THESE rules because he’s the protector. Like the mom made up her own rules. The rules are made up. By Jacob. So it’s going to be real hard for MIB, despite his abilities, to win. Also, is this more evidence that the island really doesn’t need a protector? It’s technically been doing without one for a little while now. In addition, the knife used to kill mom I assume is the same knife Richard tried to use to kill Jacob and the same knife Dogen got Sayid to use on Locke. I HAD thought the “don’t let him talk” rule was really because both men are so persuasive, but now, with the mom being stabbed before saying a word…idk. And jacob was yapping the whole time before he died AND wasn’t killed with that particular knife. so…?

Free will: Jacob wasn’t given a real choice. Free will didn’t apply to him. Which may be why he was so eager to just let people do what they do. BUT in many circumstances he has given CHOICES although not free will exactly. Dogen was given the choice to let his son stay as is, or never see his son again and come to the Island to serve Jacob. What choice was Ilana given. This is complicated, really. You have the free will to choose whichever thing, but when your options are limited, is there really a choice? Not going to get into this.

Quick thoughts:
-When Locke was shown the Eye of the Island, he saw a beautiful light. This is currently blowing my mind.
-MIB loves technology; I like how the cabin visit we get a freaking-out entity when Locke uses a flashlight.
-The light in the cave, the light Des was exposed to, look pretty similar. I assume we now know where he will need to go?
-The statue and game. The game was egyptian, but we didn’t see the statue, despite mom implying others have been there before. The Others were what, roman i guess? if so, wouldn’t all the egyptian stuff already be there?
-Interesting that they said we’d understand “John Locke’s” motives. I do think MIB’s name is likely John. And I love connecting this back to when Locke’s mother says “John! His name is John!” after she has the baby.
-MIB sees dead people, excellent, he IS special. Yet Sawyer and Desmond also saw Jacob as a kid, which I definitely think is dead jacob rather than time-traveling bunnies, so idk…
-MIB is consistently referred to as the special one of the two. awesome.

I feel bad for the dudes writing and producing this show. Fans whine constantly about the answers they REQUIRE NOW! Then they write it and film it and try, they really do, it sounds like it will be good, but sometimes not so much. They know they HAVE to answer certain questions, but when they do, how do you really do it successfully? It’s hard. We aren’t easy to please and you guys opened a whole freakin lot of wormcans, so…

Ug, this isn’t ready to post, super shallow, but whatever.

That said, I’m hoping the flashing back to Kate/Jack/Locke discovering the Adam and Eve bodies MEANT something and wasn’t just blatant spelling out of things for people. We really are smart enough to get it. although, yeah, granted, the constant idiotic whining coming from a whole lot of fans who can’t even retain that Locke’s not wearing a shirt, he’s SMOKE…I don’t necessarily blame them for spending an episode talking down.

Sun/Jin. First their reunion was ruined by the bizarre idea to have them meet at the sonic fence. We are trained to freak out when anyone goes near that fence. The distraction of picturing them hitting each other and collapsing in ear-bleeding seizures kind of ruined the moment. But more annoying, her voice came back why? As if they couldn’t just speak in Korean to each other like the old days. They even had them speaking English in private. And had Frank add a cheeso line, why? All that said, I was moved by their deaths. Jin just wasn’t going to do it anymore and who could blame him? They’d been separated for 3 years. Dying together was better than living alone. I get it. How do you be the guy that leaves his wife to die after all this? OH, because of your daughter! Wait! I was totally into the moment…then, disruption. I KNOW that Ji Yeon exists and they should have mentioned her. I know the father should save himself to find the daughter. I KNOW these things are true, but I wanted to ignore them for just 10 more seconds, let the sad death music play and watch our tragic couple float away together, then blast it during commercials. But I didn’t get to. Not that I disagreed with the Cold Commentator.

IMO the writers were, disappointingly, perfectly consistent in this scene. They have never dealt with Ji Yeon in any logical, loving way. I am not a mother, but still I never bought that Sun would give up her daughter to find her husband on the promise of Ben and a ring. Even if it was pretty positive he was alive (it wasn’t anywhere near that) I would have given some pictures to Ben and said, “My child is all I have left and the most important thing in the world to me. I will never abandon her, just like her father never would have abandoned me. If you see him in Guam, give him these and help him escape. See ya.” In addition, I never bought that Jin would be GLAD that his wife would abandon Ji Yeon to find him. Wouldn’t you be kind of like, “Wait, this was nice and all, but you LEFT her? Because BEN said I might be alive?? What? Are you crazy? I did everything I could to get you off this godforsaken place and then you just abandon our child and come back?” I do feel it is plausible that Sun had issues with the Jin/Island situation that caused her to never bond with Ji Yeon properly, but isn’t just as likely that she would have bonded with her even more because of the loss of Jin and the experience of the Island? And if no one’s going to bother to explain it either way, then I really am disappointed. This will probably always be a big plot hole to me. I hate that it ruined an otherwise moving and appropriate ending for these two characters. I hope there is something that redeems it.

Kate. Thank god somebody shot her. Too bad she didn’t drown. They made sure to point out her uselessness, which probably implies some sort of usefulness that poor sun and Jin didn’t get the privilege of getting.

Frank. Well, damn. That’s it? Welp, can’t wait to see the swift pointless clobbering of Miles next!

Sawyer. Why’d you go and try to kill everyone? Didn’t you see that if someone ELSE chooses to do it, Locke isn’t the perpetrator, you are? “Get it in the water. I’ll take care of the rest.” I am going to assume we didn’t see the end of that plan yet. Because otherwise, nothing happened.
ETA: If the whole point was, “Get him wet because he gums up and can’t turn into smoke” then wow, how anticlimactic, and to paraphrase a line from the Hangover, this guy’s a gremlin, all the instructions and shit.

Other mysterious phrases of the day: “Because it’s going to be you.” “Desmond–you’ll need him.” “To finish what I started.” “Candidate.”

And since I’m criticizing so much, I don’t think it made much sense for Jack to say to Locke, “I wish you believed me.” Locke not wanting to be fixed doesn’t much have anything to do with whether he believes Jack, even if it might have a little to do with it. I get it was a throwback, but Locke’s real problem if this is real life is more likely survivor’s guilt; he feels unworthy of being fixed. In fact, possible bad writing/character development alert. When we met him off the plane, it was implied that he had sort of tried to “get fixed” a few times but was now “accepting himself.” So am I to believe that pre-Australia he had wanted to be healed (implying a sense of worthiness) despite putting his father in a vegetative state? I’m confused. Is he now accepting of himself or feeling a new-found sense of guilt? Am I supposed to feel like he’s better or worse? Should I root for him to be fixed or not? I have no idea. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood.

I did love the Oceanic connections coming together for Jack in particular. Bernard. The Claire/Jack in the mirror of the “Catch a Falling Star” music box. Jack all throughout, actually. He’s mostly figured it out. Locke’s smile as he holds Claire back from the sub. And the fact that Anthony Cooper is a drooling vegetable is exactly the appropriate punishment for him, despite the fact that in this life Locke and he liked each other and were close. Of course, it remains to be seen if he is Sawyer’s same Cooper… It’s also appropriate that Locke is the one who paralyzes himself.

I’m sure I have much more to say. Maybe back later, maybe not! Smell ya later!

OK, two factions: Blow up the plane or talk to Locke? Richard, Ben, and Miles should have gotten the hint that if the Island blew up Ilana, then maybe the Island doesn’t want the plane blown up. I mean, it waited to blow her up until she was in view of everyone. But still, who knows what “the Island” wants or means? Ben still seems to believe in it in his old normal way, though. Since Richard knows what it is, his solution seems the most logical. Certainly more logical than trying to “talk” to MIB!

Michael tells Hurley that people will die if you pursue this blowing up the plane thing. What are Michael’s motives? In fact, what are ANY of the ‘ghosts’ motives? Do they have opinions and can they oppose each other? Could some of them be on the side of light or dark? Or selfish or helpful? Can they be trusted just because they are dead? Hurley sort of thinks so. And we’ve pretty much been taught to trust the poor kid. If he trusts Michael, even though I have no idea his plan so far, then I think we are to trust him. What could Hurley be wanting to talk to Locke about? I mean, what are you going to say that could possibly change the smoke monster’s mind? Or to make a deal with him? What the?

Back to the dead people. Are any of their motivations tied to why they are trapped on the Island? Are they trapped? MIB seems to think of the place as a prison for himself, which implies no free will as to why he is here (although most likely, he once had the free will to CHOOSE to be trapped there), BUT everything else always hinges so much on free will, so I keep thinking these spirits sort of choose to be here. I keep going back to that idea of Hell in Sandman, where people are punishing themselves with their own guilt. They choose to wallow in their own misery, punish themselves for what they’ve done, not move on. Michael did it in real life, why would he not do the same in death? And just the way Michael responded made me think he stays because he personally can’t make himself leave. And maybe even Libby’s “voluntary” incarceration at the mental hospital was a hint at that type of prison.

Speaking of the dead, why is Jacob not around? I am guessing because of his MO. He doesn’t get involved. But why did he get involved long enough to send Sayid to the Temple and Jack to the Lighthouse? Why help there and nowhere else?

What is Locke making? A stick that hadn’t told him what it was yet. Was the stick the metaphor for writing this show?

OK, back to getting on the plane together. Locke/MIB uses the example that they needed to get back on the same way they got here. So more of that parallels thing, although it is a bit more confusing as to what they’d be recreating, other than I guess the same ones that left before would have to leave again (Jack, Hurley, Frank, Sun, Kate, Desmond, Sayid). That seems odd I guess, and Sawyer and Jin would not be included, which would be interesting, but anyway, this is confusing and I think actually what I’m getting at is simple: He just needs all the candidates OFF the Island. All the living people at ALL in fact. Whoever won’t go, dies. Because no living people can be left on the Island.

Another thought about Desmond being descended from Jacob. Jacob’s favorite son Joseph was tossed down a hole by his brothers. Tenuous, sure.

I am totally mind-blown about Locke/MIB. MIB tells the story of having a crazy mother. That’s Locke’s story. Did Desmond know the TRUTH, that this really IS John Locke, but what the hell does that mean?? Darlton even says the writers have always called him Locke. I think Desmond hits Locke because he knows MIB and Locke are the same in T2. He was trying to kill that body. He enjoys it too.

Staring at computer screen must be done. Headache again. Bleh.